Interviewed By a Vampire

Interviews make me slightly unhinged. Now normally I am a pillar of poise and charm. However, interviews make me speak 150 words per minute, shake slightly, and sweat. I'm sure it appears I would like to get hired to pay for a meth addiction. This stems from a basic problem: I'm not cool and I don't know how to fake it. Every single time I attempt to be suave the universe kicks me in the keester and I end up falling on my face. Or down a flight of stairs. Or up a flight of stairs. I don't have a way to convey to an employer that I am not a total dinkus but in fact a functioning member of society. And not to malign any of my future employers but I neither enjoy listing my weaknesses or strengths. Unless it's in blog format of course.