Tuesday, February 15, 2011

How (Not) to Make Friends: An Idiot's Guide

Given my propensity for strangeness I have made a shocking number of friends in my short years. Sometimes when I talk I'm wondering in my head how I managed to keep any chums at all. Once in an while I'll see my comrades exchanging exasperated glances as if to say "You know we could sneak out that back while Anneke's in the bathroom." In any case, I've managed to keep a vice-like grip on my friends and they continue to text me. But, coming from an awkward expert, here are some helpful hints for you friend-seekers. 

Try as hard as possible not to vomit in front of potential friends. I have thrown up twice in front of acquaintances, so I know from experience that it is awful. Once I was at the gay pride parade and threw up all over the outer wall of Wrigley Field. Also, another tip, refrain from shouting "don't look at me for God's sake!" because not only will your friends swivel around so will 600 men clad in glitter and booty shorts. It's hard to look your friends in the eye after you've sullied an American landmark. In another instance I made the poor choice of drinking beer followed by a Wendy's frosty. I was hanging out new cohort, driving around looking for something to do. I put slight damper on the evening by up-chucking in my right hand. My left hand was frantically searching for the car handle, to no avail. I threw up all over my new buddy's grand am. In conclusion, vomit is not a friend maker. 

Something else to avoid, although it rarely stops me, is making a joke. When surrounded by a strange new group of people I am often tempted to tell hilarious jokes. More specifically jokes that only I find funny. My favorite is making puns! Most people do not appreciate this and they appreciate it less if you keep telling the joke. Puns are the highest form of humor and should only be shared with the inner circle of companions. 

Finally, when all else fails, hide the crazy. Although it's important to be yourself it's also nice to have friends so pretend to be normal for as long as possible. Resist the urge to show off your dance skills inside Wal-Mart. Don't tell your new friends you only listen to ska. Hide the crazy until your friendship is so established no amount of doing the robot in the produce isle will make them run from you. 

Follow these simple tips and you'll soon have as many friends as Mark Zuckerburg! Or at least you'll have someone to hang out with while watching those awesome Wings marathons on Hallmark. 

What I'm listening to: Cut Copy "Take Me Over" 

1 comment:

  1. If anyone following this advice ends up lonely (WHILE they are hot AND dark!), then I have just the thing for them!!! Check out this new invention from SandyNigg Industries!!!