Friday, May 20, 2011

The Darkness Thief

This post will expound on two problems that have intermittently plagued me my whole life. One, my body can only fall asleep under a set of specific conditions (namely all-encompassing darkness) and my family's unfortunate habit of filching (only from other family members).

When I was a young girl my parents used to soothe me to sleep with the dulcet tones of a right wing Christian old-timey radio show:

I think all these subconscious Christian lessons turned me into a square.

This taught me valuable lessons about such topics as gossip, the occult, and time management! the full list can be found here: Focus on the right wing conspiracy. In any case, when I was a tot I simply could not get to sleep without hearing the goings-on of this fictional town full of devout Christians. For years I listened to cassette after cassette until I painstakingly weaned myself off. Unfortunately this is around the time I developed the need to sleep in total darkness. Basically I'm a reverse vampire: I need complete darkness all night. More on that later. 

I have light cancelling, then Roman, then more light cancelling on top. Like the Minotaur  I crumble to dust in the light. 

As I mentioned, the members of my household, for some absurd reason, feel it is acceptable to steal if its from your own relations. Time was a bill larger than a 1 would get snatched from any surface in the house if left unguarded for more than ten minutes. Change in the ashtray- forget about it. One of my siblings once stole $200 from me that my mom was keeping safe for me in her "hiding place" (psst the Christmas presents are there too!). This was a few solid months of babysitting money and I was planning to buy an iPod. Being a 12 year old in my house made me develop Oliver Twist/Orphan Annie style trust issues.  

And sometimes you come home from summer camp to find your mother took all the makeup you bought at Claires because "It did't look like you were using it. Oh also I broke all the eyeshadow compacts because I couldn't figure out how to open them..."

So on Sunday night when I discovered one of my precious and truly necessary light blockers, I was a little steamed. I thought all this inter-family theft was long over. Money has lived safely on counters around here for nigh on 5 years. The ashtray change has remained un-ransacked and there's a quarter every time I head to Aldi! So why? WHY?

Look how much light is seeping into my lair, er, bedroom! 

Not only have my nights these past few nights been restless, I've been having nightmares too. Please, thief, I'm sure you looked at my over the top light banishers and thought: "she won't need this measly little light canceling  shade." Well you are wrong! If I don't get some proper darkness soon I'm going to start crawling the walls and peeling the paint with my fingernails. 

Thief: I'm sure you didn't realize your actions would disrupt the sleep patterns of a possibly unstable reverse-vampire. But you did and I'm tired of stress hiccuping!   

Just put it at the bottom of the stairs, no questions asked.

I'll do whatever you want I just want my baby back!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Meow are you doing?

Cats are all jerks.

Admittedly I am dog person, even though I am violently allergic to all domestic pets (I'm looking at you goldfish). Dogs just clearly rule, and cats drool. Cats are just useless. What's the point of them?

My grandmother has a cat that is probably the most useless creature alive. This cat is like an extremely expensive ghost. It lives under my grandmothers bed 99 % of the time. It ventures out in the dead of night to eat and poop in secret. It hisses at anyone who attempts to remove it from its sanctuary. It basically hates everyone it encounters, won't be petted or even looked upon. So what is the point of it? Sorry, but I think animal companions should exist to serve humans. You can't teach cats tricks, unless that trick is to be annoying.

The elusive cat.

The cat's food costs $40 a bag and has to be especially ordered from an organic pet food store. My mother once had to drive over 50 miles to get the cat food. This cat eats better than I do.

Organic food is a must for any creature that spends 7 hours a day licking its own butt.

The cat also sheds and poops all over the floor. Yes, yes I realize dogs do this as well but you can yell at a dog. Then the dog lowers its ears and feels some sense of remorse. Cats do not. They are haughty, indifferent douches. They just put their tail in the air and stalk away.

This cat has more hair than Zach Galifianakis. 

The cat knows that humans do this. "Yes scoop my leavings" it thinks manically. Whereas dogs have no inclination. Cats take pleasure in knowing they have power over us. And if they get finicky they just poop on the floor. If you train a dog correctly it will not do that.

Finally here is a picture of my Mom putting the cat food in the freezer for some reason. I blame the cat, it's using mind manipulation on her somehow.

In conclusion, cats are just the worst.

This song is the cat's pajamas

Saturday, May 14, 2011

School's Out

Today I graduated from a state college with an ever so useful Liberal Arts degree. I look forward to being an assistant manager of a Barnes and Noble. I have matriculated at three colleges and have been pursuing my undergraduate degree for over 5 years. But no more.

No more: idiots sleeping off hangovers in the third row, incompetent tenured professors, frat guys, fire drills, essays, extra credit, GPAs, class schedules, soulless lemmings in the financial aid department, lack of parking, terrible dorm food, cocky football players, unshoveled sidewalks, scholarship applications, water dripping from the ceiling in the English department, teacher evaluations, scantron tests, bed bug outbreaks, dorm floods, PETA pamphlets, backpacks, $500 book fees, student fees, technology fees, people who print 300 pages from the school printers, white kids with dreadlocks, uncomfortable desks, and no more people tweeting nonsense throughout class.

I'll miss it.

farewell education

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The next Ginsberg

This is a poem my friend Lettuce and I composed out of word magnets in English class. Sorry Mrs. R learning about Gulliver just wasn't captivating, this was a better use of my time.

Shake terribly or leave life
Deep river shares hope, look behind forest, see glad music
Friend ask me yes tell little joy talk, either why or whine
Once upon a castle, the child twirls with sad bird friend
Happy man and special girls are fun and heave the baby in the happy lake Dames will fly home fast upon glass balloon dinosaur and bounced Summer stop summer garden, he oiled my enormous owl
Squirrel of time in need of dozens of frogs
Fragile poem friend glows so light Empty night and dad so bright Please give her that generous top hat, mom

Clothe my dad on to of this barn, for home together
Shout if you want simple party cat for fun No, eat me fossil
Ask heavy touch explore my sister slowly Beat her sympathy before and bubble together Sudden rain color my main child in dark heat
Sense or imagine, wish my museum was interesting
Filthy night sky was born although she flew for the black sun
Wild eyes wonder with surprise after his good painting
Toy ball stunned care she went down crying
Grow round yet gentle manly cloud is born
Once safe he had his dream cocoon
Nest down her where it never told a whisper
Lucky green apple glared inside

Glad as flower wrote, or follow not your heart
Hair grow tall, slam across people, flood flower discovering that edge Funny but wet, short, and pink remember turn, jump, feel
Curl that silly smile bigly to chose with silent heart
Begin it like fast box she told, road help said put hole, go on vacation Grow quick on bed like some short colored dog
One hot fly we sit little, each dog ran home brown gem

Eat rain water and ate stop, had put far one side plant creature
Yes, able parent sprint differently
Good point, shy letter flew at mom, read saw voice went mean
Turn and walk, turn moon water red
Filthy night sky was born although she flew for the black sun
Excite where she went

Musical Poetry

Saturday, May 7, 2011


My Dad puts the Scotch in Scotch-Irish. He owns 7 fancy whiskey glasses into which he lovingly pours Johnnie Walker Black.  He sits down, sighs deeply, then takes a slow drink. He extends his arm, languidly rotates his wrist and stares at the amber majesty encapsulated in his tumbler. Sometimes, the 7 fancy glasses end up in the dishwasher because I like to drink orange juice while pretending I'm Don Draper. When these glasses are unavailable, my Papa seeks out alternate containers.

In March 2007 visited my parents house for a friendly visit. Sadly, the power was out so I couldn't commence my intended Xena marathon. As I traversed the dim house I stumbled upon my Pop. He was  roosting at the end of his bed, staring out the window sipping his beloved Johnnie from a candle holder. This is possibly the clearest painting I can draw of my Dad: sitting in the dark, alone, drinking from a waxy, decorative cup.

Perfectly content.

Don't worry I won't claim to be Irish when I go to Dublin.