Friday, May 20, 2011

The Darkness Thief

This post will expound on two problems that have intermittently plagued me my whole life. One, my body can only fall asleep under a set of specific conditions (namely all-encompassing darkness) and my family's unfortunate habit of filching (only from other family members).

When I was a young girl my parents used to soothe me to sleep with the dulcet tones of a right wing Christian old-timey radio show:

I think all these subconscious Christian lessons turned me into a square.

This taught me valuable lessons about such topics as gossip, the occult, and time management! the full list can be found here: Focus on the right wing conspiracy. In any case, when I was a tot I simply could not get to sleep without hearing the goings-on of this fictional town full of devout Christians. For years I listened to cassette after cassette until I painstakingly weaned myself off. Unfortunately this is around the time I developed the need to sleep in total darkness. Basically I'm a reverse vampire: I need complete darkness all night. More on that later. 

I have light cancelling, then Roman, then more light cancelling on top. Like the Minotaur  I crumble to dust in the light. 

As I mentioned, the members of my household, for some absurd reason, feel it is acceptable to steal if its from your own relations. Time was a bill larger than a 1 would get snatched from any surface in the house if left unguarded for more than ten minutes. Change in the ashtray- forget about it. One of my siblings once stole $200 from me that my mom was keeping safe for me in her "hiding place" (psst the Christmas presents are there too!). This was a few solid months of babysitting money and I was planning to buy an iPod. Being a 12 year old in my house made me develop Oliver Twist/Orphan Annie style trust issues.  

And sometimes you come home from summer camp to find your mother took all the makeup you bought at Claires because "It did't look like you were using it. Oh also I broke all the eyeshadow compacts because I couldn't figure out how to open them..."

So on Sunday night when I discovered one of my precious and truly necessary light blockers, I was a little steamed. I thought all this inter-family theft was long over. Money has lived safely on counters around here for nigh on 5 years. The ashtray change has remained un-ransacked and there's a quarter every time I head to Aldi! So why? WHY?

Look how much light is seeping into my lair, er, bedroom! 

Not only have my nights these past few nights been restless, I've been having nightmares too. Please, thief, I'm sure you looked at my over the top light banishers and thought: "she won't need this measly little light canceling  shade." Well you are wrong! If I don't get some proper darkness soon I'm going to start crawling the walls and peeling the paint with my fingernails. 

Thief: I'm sure you didn't realize your actions would disrupt the sleep patterns of a possibly unstable reverse-vampire. But you did and I'm tired of stress hiccuping!   

Just put it at the bottom of the stairs, no questions asked.

I'll do whatever you want I just want my baby back!

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