Friday, February 24, 2012

Oscar the Grouch.

The 84th Academy Awards are this Sunday. As a connoisseur of silly award shows, you think I would be pumped. The glamour! The celebrities! The sycophantic reporters! What's not to love?

Basically this year, everything. First of all, old, formally funny person, Billy Crystal is hosting. Blerg.

 Like many dudes who were funny in the 70's, 80's and 90's:

Billy Crystal is an older, puffier, less humorous version of himself. The glory days of When Harry Met Sally are long past my friend. It's time to hang up the to microphone the the likes of Neil Patrick Harris or Hugh Jackman. Billy, write a book no one will read, take your wife to the movies, or take up street luge. 

Furthermore, my beloved Harry Potter missed it's last chance to be nominated for best picture. For Shame. 

Also, the Academy is comprised of old, old, white men. These gross fogies in their 60's are probably out of touch with movies today, which might be why so few women and people of color are nominated and receive Oscars. How boring is it to watch a bunch of white dudes give a bunch of white dudes accolades? I mean it's the Oscars not CPAC

As an effort to show just how boring and stuck-up the awards have become, they have possibly banned occasionally amusing Sacha Baron Cohen. He was planning on showing up on the red carpet as his character from his upcoming film: 

Cohen has pulled this stunt before with mild success. The powers that be claim that this stunt would detract from the seriousness of the event and denigrate the actors. Jonah Hill is nominated for an award, so the Academy has done a great job of smearing the awards themselves.

But the real issue: does anyone ever remember award shows where everything goes off without a hitch? Without jabs at drug addled B list celebrities? Nip Slips? This?

Here's the stuff we remember:

Yes only one of these clips is from the Oscars. Which just proves how stagnant they are! Academy I urge you, make room for the unexpected, the unscripted and the crass. Yes it's a schmaltzy, overblown, and 45 minutes too long affair. I know how badly the rich and famous beautiful people need their recognition. But a few crazy antics might hurts Brad and Agie's feelings, but it will do wonders for the ratings. 

Hooray for Hollywood. 

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